


Brand New Feelings

by PineapplesForDays



Category: Overwatch (Video Game)
Genre: Ace Week, Angst, Anxiety, Asexual Character, Asexuality, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Panic Attacks, Shimada Spirit Dragons
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-25
Updated: 2020-11-12
Packaged: 2021-03-09 02:07:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 15,575
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27196246
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PineapplesForDays/pseuds/PineapplesForDays
Summary: Being asexual, Hanzo didn’t frequently find himself wanting to get too close to others and he had never felt this way towards anyone else before, of any gender, and so Hanzo didn't quite know what to make of the emotions Jesse was causing him to feel.Or Hanzo is new to this whole "having feelings for another person" thing
Relationships: Genji Shimada/Angela "Mercy" Ziegler, Jesse McCree/Hanzo Shimada, implied
Comments: 35
Kudos: 112





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This boy has been lied to for so long  
> Any who, this is actually a repost however, I originally posted it 3 yrs ago and have since heavily edited it to remove all (or most) of the cringe bits. Also fixed some grammar mistakes tho its still not beta-ed ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯  
> This fic is very dear to me and I wanted to give it a second chance <3

Hanzo was sitting, cross legged, on one of the couches in the common area holding a cup of tea and watching as Jesse told a story. 

The cowboy was telling it as much with his hands as with his mouth. Everyone who was listening was listening with rapt attention. 

Hanzo wasn't listening to the story so much as he was watching Jesse. He had been on base for close to a year now and even though everyone here was friendly towards him, his attentions had gotten stuck on the cowboy. 

Hanzo was aware whenever Jesse was in the same room and where in the room he was because he couldn't help watching him out of the corner of his eye. 

The cowboy talked a lot and in the past people who wouldn’t shut up just led to irritate Hanzo, but not Jesse. When Jesse started talking and didn't take a breath for a good two minutes Hanzo found it endearing. 

This absolutely baffled him and it was something that had Hanzo's curiosity peaked. 

Being asexual, Hanzo didn’t frequently find himself wanting to get too close to others and he had never felt this way towards anyone else before, of any gender, and so Hanzo didn't quite know what to make of the emotions Jesse was causing him to feel. 

Hanzo found himself spending more and more time with Jesse trying to figure out what these emotions were and where they stemmed from. 

He found himself wanting to talk with Jesse. Hanzo couldn't remember going out of his way to talk to anyone, except his brother, so wanting to get to know the cowboy didn't make any sense. 

The flirting didn't make any sense either. Jesse flirted with everyone, Hanzo knew because he ended up watching Jesse whenever he was in the archer's line of sight, most of the time subconsciously. So, when Jesse would throw flirty remarks at Hanzo it shouldn't have had any effect on him, but it did. 

Hanzo had been hit on before, mostly when he went out to bars with Genji back at Hanamura. Hanzo knew he was attractive. Not in a narcissistic way but after you’ve been told enough times by strangers it tends to stick and every time it was just a burden. Something to be dismissed and forgotten. But not this. Hanzo didn't think he'd ever want to forget anything about Jesse. 

Jesse's story was winding down but his energy didn’t falter. This wasn't the first one of Jesse's stories Hanzo had heard and the archer had quickly realized Jesse had a knack for telling them. Watching him tell stories was one of Hanzo's favorite things to do as of late. Hell, watching him do anything was one of Hanzo's favorite things to do as of late. 

Jesse's story ended with a raucous round of applause and whooping, even a whistle or two. Jesse bowed deeply as he chuckled at the attention. As everyone got back to their own thing Jesse came over and plopped himself next to Hanzo. 

Hanzo could feel his cheeks redden just slightly at the cowboy’s proximity and this was a reaction Jesse, and Jesse alone, could rouse from him. He couldn't remember the last time he blushed when someone got too close. Usually close proximity just resulted in an "accidental" elbow to the ribs. 

"Evenin' Hanzo, didja like my story?" 

Hanzo took another sip from his mug to calm himself before speaking, "yes, I quite enjoyed it. I think my favorite part was when you fell off the roof." 

Jesse laughed deep and genuine, "I figured that'd be your favorite part," Hanzo smiled into his mug as Jesse's laughing quieted. 

They sat quietly for a moment before Jesse started talking again. Hanzo was enjoying spending this time with Jesse and only realized how long they’d been talking when he looked up and noticed most everyone else had left the room. He looked at the clock on the wall and noted the time, it was late, and he needed to get to sleep soon. 

Hanzo found himself reluctant to tell Jesse goodnight but once he could get a word in, he did so anyway. Jesse let out a surprised ‘oh’ when Hanzo told him what time it was. Both men stood, stretching tight muscles. Hanzo made his way into the kitchen to rinse out his mug and Jesse followed, waiting for him so they could both head down to the private quarters. 

They wound their way through the corridors and Jesse tipped his hat and told Hanzo goodnight when they had to go their separate ways. The corridor seemed too quiet as Hanzo made the short walk to his room. 

Hanzo's mind was buzzing as he tried to sort out everything with Jesse while he readied for bed. Hanzo considered Jesse a friend, that was obvious with how much time they spent together, but he got this feeling that 'friends' wasn’t quite the right word. 

He thought about Genji and how close they were. Hanzo would consider his brother his one true friend, with the exception of his dragons, but every now and then Hanzo didn’t even want to be around Genji. 

That feeling had yet to crop up with Jesse and the cowboy talked even more than Genji did. 

The cowboy was causing him to feel things. Emotions that Hanzo was unfamiliar with. Emotions he couldn’t hope to parse out on his own. 

The sleepy archer wasn’t sure what to do about these emotions and the man causing them but he headed to bed anyway. Hopefully, a new day and a bright mind would bring more enlightening ideas. 

~~~ 

The next morning Hanzo was sitting in the kitchen drinking tea and reading the paper when Jesse walked in. Hanzo had figured out a while back that Jesse was quieter in the mornings. On most days, Jesse would come in and sit next to Hanzo while he quietly ate his breakfast. 

Today was much the same. 

Jesse leaned up against the counter next to the toaster while he waited for his frozen waffles to pop up. He sipped his coffee and asked if there was anything interesting in the paper. Hanzo read off a few of the headlines as the cowboy came to sit next to the archer, hands full with his coffee and plate of waffles. Jesse made a hum of acknowledgment, then proceeded to eat his waffles quietly. 

Jesse was looking over Hanzo's shoulder reading something on the side of the paper closest to him when Genji came into the kitchen a few minutes later. Though Genji liked to wait for Dr. Ziegler before he ate breakfast, he often came down in the mornings to sit with Hanzo and do crosswords. Greeting both men, Genji took a seat across from Hanzo. 

Jesse finished up his waffles and excused himself. Hanzo watched as he left, and after he was gone, the archer noticed Genji looking at him. 

"Good morning, brother" Hanzo greeted him. 

The younger Shimada continued to stare him down, expression looking vaguely amused if a bit concerned. Folding up the paper Hanzo turned his full attention to his brother, "is something wrong?" 

"Why haven't you pushed Jesse away?" Straight to the point as always. The elder Shimada could only stare at his sibling, that was the same thing he’d been asking himself. Genji wasn’t dumb and he knew about his brother's asexuality. He knew his brother didn't do personal relationship if he could help it. 

"Usually if someone was paying you this much attention, you’d be putting up walls and making sure they knew their place. Yet I walk into the kitchen and Jesse's chin is practically on your shoulder while you two read from the same paper.” 

Hanzo turned his gaze down to the table focusing on the paper in front of him, “this isn't even the first time I've noticed you getting cozy with Jesse. Lately you two are hanging out all the time, watching movies, talking, training, we don’t even spend as much time together and I'm your brother!" Genji ended with a chuckle. 

Hanzo sat and stared, unseeing, at the paper on the table, it was like Genji was reading off a script that had come right out of the older Shimada’s anxious thoughts. 

Hanzo sighed "I see what you are saying, I have been asking myself the same things over the last few weeks. I do not know why I am acting this way with Jesse. I do not understand why I am so comfortable in his presence.” 

Hanzo's voice began to take on an anxious edge as he continued, "I enjoy talking to him and I enjoy just how much he talks. I like when we can spend time together and when he sits too close to me. Every time he touches me its soothing instead of irritating and I just do not know what is going on with me. I have never felt this way about anyone before,” the elder Shimada looked slightly frantic, looking to his brother hoping for answers. 

Hanzo rubbed a hand across his eyes before looking at his brother again, expression more in check now. Genji regarded him coolly, a thoughtful look on his scarred face. Hanzo waited for him to say something. 

"Have you considered that you might have a crush on Jesse?" 

Hanzo let out a scoff, "that is absurd, brother. I do not like anyone except you and my dragons. I have never had a crush in my life." 

Genji's voice sounded amused, "and yet I come down here to find you quietly sitting next to Jesse McCree instead of me." 

Hanzo's brow furrowed as he looked down at the table. Genji stood up, "it looks like you have some thinking to do. I'll be in Training Room C with Angie if you need to talk to me about anything else." Collecting up his crossword book Genji bowed to his brother before turning towards the door and heading out, leaving Hanzo alone with his newspaper and his thoughts. 

Hanzo set to cleaning up his area before heading back to his room. He’s got new information to work through and he doesn’t want any distractions. He makes his way through the corridors on autopilot and as his door slides closed behind him, he sits on the edge of his bed. 

Almost immediately two small, slender, blue dragons scamper across the bed to rub up against Hanzo and demand attention. The archer pets them absentmindedly as he starts to pick apart what Genji had said. 

A crush? On Jesse McCree? That's just not possible. 

Hanzo wasn't lying when he said he had never had a crush in his life. He’d never found anyone he wanted to be around for any length of time. 

Once he had accepted his asexuality, he’d decided that he was going to live out the rest of his days with just himself and his Dragons. He didn't want or need a relationship of any kind, except the one he had rekindled with his brother. 

Hanzo had tried his hand at romantic relationships when he was still part of the Shimada Clan back in Hanamura. He’d had many dates and not one of the women he went out with interested him in any way, romantically or otherwise. After the tenth or so woman that he never wanted to see again Hanzo started to get concerned. 

He didn't understand why he felt this way towards his dates. Genji and most of the other clan members went out regularly and would come back bragging about having slept with their dates. Hanzo didn't even want to be in the same room as his dates, let alone the same bed. He was starting to worry that maybe there was something wrong with him. 

Hanzo pushed through his feelings, he was determined that he needed to be more like his brother and the other men, he was the Shimada heir after all, he had a duty to the Clan. 

He went out several more times and even went as far as to invite two of the women back to his home. Both times they ended up half naked on the couch with Hanzo’s anxiety through the roof and him frozen in a panic attack. 

Their lips felt wrong on his mouth, on his skin and their hands, which were supposed to be soft caressing touches from what everyone else said, made his skin crawl. Though this only happened twice and neither woman had been cruel about it, word still managed to get back to his father. 

To say the man wasn’t impressed was an understatement. 

After that, his father’s incessant berating and reminders that he was going to have to produce an heir got so bad that Hanzo paid off a woman to spread rumors that she had slept with him. It wasn’t perfect but it got his father to stop for a while. 

When his father informed him that he had found a suitable wife for him, Hanzo was equal parts relieved and terrified. He was relieved because he would soon start courting his bride-to-be and they would be expected to wait until the wedding night to consummate the marriage. However, the wedding would happen eventually and so he would have to lie with her, even if it was against his will as it was his duty as the Shimada heir. 

Before he was to start courting his bride-to-be his father thought it would be a great idea to give Hanzo, Genji, and several of their closest Clan Members and all-expense paid trip to the Gentleman’s Club in town. A sort of, last night as a bachelor kind of thing. 

Hanzo went along with it, to appease his father, but had plans of sneaking out once the other Clan Members were distracted. Hanzo tried to excuse himself but the other men forced him to stay. Said he was about to be a taken man, that his father insisted he pick a lady to take in for a private session. 

They paid one of the dancers to take him to a private room. Again, he tried to leave but he couldn't, they all but pushed him into the room. Every time she touched him Hanzo felt like he was dying a little more and when she reached down to slip fingers into the waist of his pants he panicked and fled. 

Of course, the clan members were confused and pissed at him for passing up such an opportunity. They relayed the events of the evening to his father immediately. Hanzo, who was still shaken from the experience at the club, was called to his father's quarters and berated for hours. 

He was told he was broken, that there was something wrong with him, a hundred times in a hundred different ways. 

He spent the rest of that night in his room with his Dragons, shattered but trying to keep the sobs quiet. 

A lot of Hanzo’s time after the Gentleman’s Club was spent just trying to avoid everyone else, especially his father and betrothed, leaning into his Dragons for support. 

After Hanzo left the Clan he learned about asexuality and it helped him tremendously. Over time Hanzo healed but the damage done by his father and the Clan was not so easily reversed and Hanzo had no one to talk to. Nobody to tell him that his father had been wrong about him. 

Thankfully, he did have his Dragons, who stayed by his side through everything and with their support Hanzo came to accept himself. 

With time, meditation, and his dragons Hanzo was at peace with who he was. 

He no longer saw himself as broken or defective but still, he decided he didn't want to be in a relationship. Whether it was a choice all of his own or just another way for him to defy his father after their fall out he wasn’t sure. 

This hadn't been a problem until recently. Up until a few months ago Hanzo was happy to live out the rest of his days, just him and his Dragons. 

That was before he met Jesse McCree and his whole world flipped sideways. 

Hanzo knew, now, what all of these unfamiliar feelings were. He knew that Genji was right. He’d developed his first crush and the term was accurate because he felt crushed. He knew he wasn't going to be able to enjoy Jesse's company in the easy, platonic way he had been anymore. 

Entering into a romantic relationship with Jesse was out of the question. He wasn't going to force Jesse to be celibate just because Hanzo couldn’t handle sex. He refused to do that to him. Jesse deserved more than that. 

On the other hand, he couldn’t cut Jesse out of his life completely either, the idea alone hurt too much. 

Hanzo came to a decision then, he would continue to spend time with Jesse. He would just dial back his affections. Hanzo was sure the feelings would pass and they could settle into a wonderful friendship. 

A friendship would be perfect, it was just like a relationship but with no sex. 

Satisfied with his solution Hanzo headed off to see if Genji and Dr. Ziegler were still in Training Room C, even if they had already left Hanzo could stand to get some training of his own in, not to mention, it’d be a nice way to calm his frazzled mind.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I fixed it <3

Over the next few weeks Hanzo continued to spend time with Jesse and the archer tried to keep himself in check when he was with him but he was having a hard time of it. 

One night they were watching a movie and Jesse had his arms spread out over the back of the couch. Jesse fell asleep half way through and his arm fell off the back of the couch onto Hanzo's shoulders. Hanzo didn’t even flinch, he knew he should shrug off the heavy weight and yet he didn’t. Instead, he snuggled closer into Jesse's side. The cowboy was asleep anyway and he’d be sure to remove himself before he woke. It was fine. 

Or so he thought. 

A day or two later, while he and Jesse were sitting on the same couch talking, Jesse shifted and stretched before standing up. 

"Been sittin' here fer too long, can feel my joints seizin'. I'm gonna head out and go for a walk, wouldja like to join me?" Hanzo agreed and they headed off base. 

It was still warm outside from the heat of the day though the sun had set. Jesse had started talking as soon as they had stood and had yet to stop. Hanzo was just smiling and interjecting here and there. He was happy. 

After a few more moments Jesse stopped talking. They walked along in silence, the night was quiet aside from the jingle of Jesse's spurs and Hanzo was happy to be here with the cowboy. He was happy just to be with someone, besides Genji, and be at peace. 

Hanzo kept his thoughts firmly in the friendship zone even as Jesse's hand swung right next to Hanzo's own. He felt himself wishing he could reach out and grab it but those were not friendship thoughts. Stuffing his hands into his pockets, he made sure they stayed where they belonged. 

The silence stretched on for another few minutes. It was still comfortable silence but it was odd for Jesse to be quiet this long unless it was before nine am, "not that I do not appreciate the quiet but it is unlike you to keep your words to yourself for so long." 

Jesse smiled at him before looking at the ground, "oh it's nothin' darlin', just thinkin' about some stuff that's too jumbled to voice." 

He was quiet for another minute, "um, actually, the thoughts tumblin' round in my brain are why I asked you to walk with me tonight. I've got somethin' I wanna tell you and I don't want you to feel like you have to return my feelins’ I just wanna get them out there." 

Hanzo tensed up at 'return my feelings' and his heart dropped. He knew where this was going and he did not want it going there but he kept quiet and let Jesse say what he wanted to say. 

"You an’ I have been spendin' quite a bit of time together and I've been really enjoyin' it, spendin' time with you that is. I just want to put out there that I think I like you as more than a friend. A lot more really and if you, perhaps, liked me more than that too then maybe we could have a bit of a thing between us. The kinda thing where I can touch you and not be worried I'm crossin' a line or the kinda thing where I can grab your hand while were walkin' along and you won't wanna stop walkin' with me." 

Jesse had been looking at the ground through all of this. He let out a long sigh and rubbed calloused hands over his face. He stopped and turned to look at Hanzo, "What I'm tryin' ta get out is I'd love to be your boyfriend darlin', if you'll have me." 

Hanzo had stopped with Jesse and he flinched at that word. Boyfriend. The one he'd been avoiding. He wanted it so bad but he couldn’t do that to Jesse. He was heartbroken and it showed on his face when he looked up to Jesse's searching eyes. 

Hanzo started, "Jesse...," but the cowboy could see the pain on Hanzo's face and immediately misinterpreted it. Hanzo wasn’t surprised, it made sense that he would in such a situation. 

Jesse held up a hand to Hanzo, "it's okay darlin', you don't have to explain yourself, I understand. I just wanted you to know how I was feelin'." Jesse's face fell a tiny bit, "I'm, uh, I'm gonna head back to base I'll, I'll see you around Hanzo." 

Hanzo watched him turn and head back the way they had come. Hanzo felt like he was suffocating. He couldn’t believe he had just lost Jesse without ever actually having him in the first place! He had never been in a relationship and yet he now knew exactly what heartbreak felt like. 

He had to get away. 

He had to get back to base, to his room, to his Dragons. 

He felt like a dam behind his eyes was about to give and the only creatures allowed to see him cry were Udon and Soba. He immediately turned and scaled the closest wall running across rooftops as quickly as he could so he could get back to base before the dam burst. 

He made it through the corridors without incident and as soon as his door slid closed, he crawled into bed and hugged his pillow to his face. The tears came silently at first but then Hanzo let out a sob. After a moment Hanzo felt a familiar weight as his Dragons settled on him. They had grown from their usually small size so they were covering Hanzo much like a weighted blanket. He curled himself up and stayed like that the rest of the night. 

The next day Hanzo spent the morning in his room and nobody bothered him. Once he was ready to face the world Hanzo got up and went to find his brother. Genji was in the common room sitting with Dr. Ziegler on one of the couches. Dr. Ziegler had her legs kicked up over his lap and they were watching a foreign movie with subtitles. 

Hanzo stood behind the couch and watched for a moment before he asked Genji if they could talk in Hanzo's room. The doctor moved her legs off of Genji and he stood, the two brothers left the room and made their way down the hall. 

Once they were safely behind closed doors Hanzo turned to Genji, "brother, I do not know what to do." 

Genji waited for him to continue, "you were right. I have a crush on Jesse but I do not want to and now Jesse has admitted he has feelings for me. I just want to be able to spend time with him without the threat of a relationship looming over my head." 

Genji regarded him coolly, "aniki, why are you so afraid of a relationship with Jesse? If you know he likes you as much as you like him then just... be with him." 

Hanzo groaned, as if it were so simple, "I cannot do that! I am not capable of giving Jesse everything he deserves from a relationship! I'm b....." Hanzo stopped himself before he could finish that thought. He already knew he wasn’t broken but all of this with Jesse was tugging at old wounds. 

Hanzo was looking away at the ground when Genji spoke again, "aniki, is this anxiety stemming from your asexuality?" When Hanzo didn’t look up and didn’t speak Genji had his answer, "you do understand that just because you’re asexual does not mean you cannot be in a relationship with someone else. Right?" 

Again, Hanzo said nothing Genji let out a sigh, "all you need to do is be open about it with him. I’ve known Jesse for years, he is a good man, he was there to help me after I joined Blackwatch. He will not reject you because of your asexuality. You are hurting yourself without reason. I understand you are scared; I remember what happened at Hanamura, but you have put yourself in a box unnecessarily." 

Hanzo rolled Genji's words around in his head. Jesse wouldn’t reject him but was that a good thing or a bad thing? Hanzo needed time to sort this out. He looked up to Genji, "thank you, brother, for your advice, I will think about what you have said." 

Genji stepped in and wrapped his arms around Hanzo. The elder Shimada returned the gesture as his younger sibling spoke, "No problem aniki, I'm here for you if you need to talk more later." Hanzo smiled and nodded. Genji left the room and Hanzo flopped onto his bed, noodle dragons pooling around him like water. 

Jesse wouldn't reject him. He knew Genji was right about that but he didn’t know if that was necessarily a good thing. 

What if Jesse wanted to reject him but wouldn’t because he didn’t want to hurt Hanzo after he had already admitted to having feelings for him or seem like he was prejudice against asexual people? What if Jesse agreed to enter this relationship with him but was secretly miserable? How many times had he been told that no one would want him if sex was off the table? 

It was probably better this way. Jesse would get over him and he'd find someone who could give him a happy relationship with all of the necessary components. Jesse deserved more than Hanzo was able to give. 

So Hanzo decided he would just keep his distance and that’s exactly what he did. 

Over the next two weeks Hanzo barely saw Jesse. Every time he would come into the room Hanzo would have an excuse to leave and every time Hanzo went into a room Jesse was already in he’d realize he'd forgotten something elsewhere on base, turn and flee. Hanzo even started drinking his tea and reading the paper in his room so he would not end up alone in the kitchen with Jesse. 

His plan to keep his distance was working. 

And he was miserable. 

He didn’t cry anymore but he laid in his bed most days and just barely existed. He still trained but he made sure to use one of the back Training Rooms no one ever went in. 

Even training wasn’t as exhilarating as it had once been. 

Hanzo didn’t care about his own feelings though. This was all for Jesse. This was to show Jesse that he had to move on. That Hanzo wasn’t interested in him and Jesse's best bet was to forget about him. 

He felt like he was dying. 

Sleep had been hard to come by since Hanzo decided to stay away from Jesse. He made it a habit of wandering the halls or making tea in the much too early, twilight hours of morning. One such night, he made his way to the kitchen to get yet another mug of tea but the kitchen wasn’t empty when he got there. 

A certain cowboy was sitting at the table staring into a half empty mug. When he heard Hanzo enter the room he looked up. The two men stared at each other for a split second before Hanzo turned on his heel and made to leave. 

He stopped, though, when he heard a quiet voice and the sound of a chair sliding on the tile floor, "Hanzo, please, hold up a tick." 

He stood in the kitchen doorway, his back towards Jesse, "why are you avoidin' me so much?" When Hanzo didn't answer he plowed on, "I understand you don’t feel for me the same way I do for you but that doesn't mean you have to cut me out of your life completely. I never wanted to push you away I just thought you should know. I know it was foolish of me, expectin' someone as brilliant and amazin' as you to feel the same for me, but I figured it was worth a try." 

He was quiet for a long moment after that, Hanzo stood stock still in the door trying to process all of Jesse's words. Jesse thought he was amazing and brilliant? He thought Hanzo didn't feel the same way for him? If only he knew how wrong he was on both counts. If anything, Jesse was the amazing one, at least he was able to admit his feelings without feeling like he was a burden to someone else. 

"Hanzo, I.... I miss you." His voice sounded so defeated and if Hanzo had any heart left in his chest it crumbled with those words. Hanzo understood now that he wasn't helping either of them by staying away as he had been, Jesse was clearly just as miserable as he was. 

"I miss you too," the words were out before he was able to stop them. 

A heartbeat and then from behind him he heard, "Hanzo?" 

He turned to face Jesse but continued to look at the floor, "I am not as brilliant as you think I am. If I were brilliant, I would have seen the pain I am causing you by being unable to admit my own feelings for you. I thought I was helping you to forget about me by staying away but that does not seem to be the case and I am so tired of trying to stay away from you." 

Hanzo looked up at Jesse and noticed he had been moving toward him while he’d been talking, "I am so miserable all the time. Everything seems duller and all of the things I enjoyed doing with you I no longer want to do without you. I miss you so much and I am making you hurt just as much as I hurt. I am so sorry," Jesse was right in front of him now. 

Jesse reached out and wrapped his arms around Hanzo and the shorter man immediately did the same tamping down the sob that tried to rise out of him at the embrace. He tucked his face into the cowboy's shoulder and felt Jesse lean his head down into the crook of his neck and Hanzo felt at ease. They stood there for a long time just holding onto each other. 

After what seemed like hours but was really only a handful of minutes, Jesse spoke, "Darlin' you don’t know how happy it makes me to hear you say that." 

Hanzo didn’t reply, he couldn’t, because an overwhelming sense of shame washed over him. 

He was screwed now. 

He hadn't told Jesse about his asexuality and didn't plan on it. He felt so comfortable in Jesse's arms and he was not willing to give that up so soon. He knew the day would come when he would have to tell him but he was going to enjoy his time with Jesse until then. 

They stayed like that for a bit longer until Hanzo felt Jesse loosen his hold. Jesse looked down to him, "so, will I see you in the morning?" Hanzo nodded, he was going to enjoy his time with Jesse. He was going to enjoy every minute of it, right up until it came crashing down around him. 

Jesse pressed their foreheads together, smile wide on his face, before letting go completely and wishing him a goodnight. Jesse left the room and Hanzo went to get his tea. He was glad he had been able to make Jesse happy, even briefly, but he still didn’t think he'd be sleeping much tonight.


	3. Chapter 3

By the time morning rolled around Hanzo had barely slept but he got himself up anyway. He made his way down to the kitchen and when Jesse saw him, his face lit up. Hanzo could feel himself break into a small smile as well.

Hanzo took his seat next to Jesse and the cowboy reached out to give his arm a light squeeze. He supplemented the touch with a, "good mornin' darlin'," and Hanzo felt better than he had in a while. They sat in silence and Hanzo was happy. 

As they were finishing up, Jesse asked if Hanzo would like to join him for a walk. Hanzo's mind flashed to what happened after their last walk but agreed anyway. They cleaned up the kitchen and set out.

It was still early and Jesse seemed to still be in quiet mode. As they walked along, Hanzo's hand brushed Jesse's own and he reached out to grab it. He waited for the cowboy to reject his hand, the rejection never came, instead, Jesse gave his hand a squeeze and Hanzo relaxed. 

After a while Jesse spoke up, "so, it's nice to be able to spend time with you again." Hanzo hummed in agreement, "but I keep thinkin’ ‘bout somethin’ you said last night." Hanzo looked up to him questioningly, "you said that you were unable to admit your feelings for me before. What did you mean?"

Hanzo’s stoic nature kept the flash of panic off his face, though barely. He obviously couldn’t tell Jesse the truth. He wasn’t ready for this to end so soon after it had started but he didn’t have a backup excuse as he hadn’t been expecting the question. He hummed thoughtfully to give himself another second. 

"Well, I have never really felt something like this for someone else before. When I figured out that I liked you it was like… a punch to the face and I was worried you would not accept me. After you admitted your feelings, new fears welled up and I assumed you would not want to be with someone who had no experience with relationships. I decided the best way to deal would be to run away and hide."

That was kind of the truth minus all of the messy bits, right? Well it was what Hanzo was going with as it was out there now and there was no way to get it back. Hanzo kept his eyes down as he waited for Jesse to say something.

"Darlin'…  Ya know that's absurd, right?" Hanzo smiled to himself, it did sound kind of silly. "Rejectin’ you because this is your first relationship is just cruel, I would never do that to no one! Least of all you,” the cowboy gave his hand a slight squeeze, "besides, if I'm your first boyfriend that means I get to teach you all the best things about havin’ a boyfriend", Hanzo looked up at the taller man now and Jesse winked at him.

Hanzo smiled up at him and was happy once more, crisis averted. Now he could go back to enjoying the weight of Jesse's hand in his. Jesse kept on talking, explaining all the be nefits of having a boyfriend, as they walked. 

~~~

Over the next two weeks things continued much the way they had been before.  Hanzo and Jesse's interactions were almost exactly the same with a couple of extra touches thrown in here and there. 

Hugs were new too but Hanzo didn’t mind. 

Every night before they would go to their separate rooms Jesse would wrap him up in a hug. With anyone else Hanzo would suffer through it until they released him but with Jesse, he found himself clinging to him and breathing in his warm scent. 

He loved the way Jesse smelled. The cowboy always smelled of smoke, leather, and cedarwood. A soothing combination that instantly calmed Hanzo. That, combined with Jesse's strong arms wrapped around him, made the archer feel safe.

It was during one of these goodnight hugs that Jesse popped the question. 

"Hanzo, darlin'?" Hanzo hummed into his chest, "would it be okay if I, um, if I kissed you?" Hanzo tensed up. 

Jesse felt him tense and immediately he started rubbing calloused hands along the smaller man’s back, reassuring him, " shhhh , darlin, it’s alright if you aren’t ready.”

Hanzo rolled the thought around in his head for a moment. Every touch and look from Jesse only made him feel safe and happy which was the exact opposite from anyone else's touches. Hanzo recalled his experience with kissing and though it had been uncomfortable in the past maybe with Jesse it would be okay. 

Hanzo decided that if he wanted to keep this thing with Jesse going, he was going to have to agree to doing things he hadn’t been comfortable doing before Jesse. Not to mention, he was curious to see if Jesse’s kisses would be just as enjoyable as his hugs. 

Hanzo pulled away from Jesse just enough to be able to see his face, "I think I would be okay with that." 

Jesse looked unsure, "you sure, sugar?" 

Hanzo nodded and the cowboy’s unease dissipated. Jesse cracked a smile before leaning down into the smaller man’s space. He pressed his lips to Hanzo's in a barely  there kiss. Hanzo closed his eyes and braced himself for the disgusted feeling, but it never came. 

Instead he was greeted with a soft warmth against his mouth. 

Jesse pulled back and Hanzo opened his eyes. Jesse was looking at him with a question in his gaze, "was that okay, darlin'?" 

Hanzo smiled up at him "yes, that was very nice." 

Jesse's face perked up and a happy lithe came back to his voice "ya, it was." 

Hanzo reached up to give Jesse another soft kiss before they both said their goodnights for the final time this evening.

As Hanzo prepared for bed, he couldn’t stop thinking about his kiss with Jesse. It had been such a nice experience; he hadn't felt awkward or uncomfortable at all. He even kissed Jesse! That was a first for Hanzo, in the past it was always him getting kissed not him giving kisses. 

Hanzo threw back the covers on his bed and found two noodles sleeping there, nudging the dragons they moved easily making space for Hanzo to crawl into the bed with them. Once Hanzo was settled Udon and Soba made themselves comfortable around him.

Content and warm, Hanzo fell asleep quickly.

~~~

After that night, kisses became more frequent. Now it was a hug and kiss goodnight and Jesse would try to sneak in kisses whenever he could. 

He'd kissed Hanzo once in the middle of the common room and must've been able to feel his discomfort because he didn’t try and kiss him in front of others again after that. 

Jesse was amazingly good at being able to read Hanzo's body language. He could tell what touches were okay and when and if he felt Hanzo was uncomfortable, he stopped. 

Jesse had also ventured to kissing other parts of Hanzo's body. Such as his temple, his wrists and Hanzo's favorite, his shoulders. He had kissed Hanzo's neck once but Hanzo tensed up, so Jesse moved to kiss his shoulder instead and apologized. There had been no more neck kisses after that.

Hanzo was much more reserved with his affections, though he did find himself kissing Jesse more often then he thought he would. Hanzo found kissing Jesse to be calming. Jesse's skin was always warm and soothing under his touches and Jesse always looked so happy when Hanzo kissed him. 

If he was being honest, Hanzo didn't really know what he was doing. This was all unchartered territory for the archer. Mostly, he just mimicked what Jesse did to him that he found pleasing. Jesse seemed happy enough with it. 

Hanzo was happy with Jesse and the cowboy seemed happy with Hanzo. 

Whenever Jesse would wrap him up in his  arms, he felt safe. Whenever Jesse would touch him or hold his hand Hanzo felt warm and content and whenever Jesse kissed him, he felt something he had never felt before. 

He felt wanted but not in any kind of sexual way. He felt like Jesse wanted him to be around or wanted to be near him. Like if Jesse had to pick someone to spend the day with it would be Hanzo, every time. 

They continued on like this for weeks and Hanzo was the happiest he had been in a long time, so happy that he forgot about the more sexual parts of being in a relationship. He was reminded one night when Jesse took their goodnight kiss a step further. 

Jesse would usually grab three or four kisses before bed and his antics made  Hanzo laugh but one of tonight's kisses w ere different.

Jesse leaned in once, twice, then three times and on the third kiss he held it longer before he opened his mouth and ran his tongue across Hanzo's bottom lip, gently. Hanzo wouldn't call the feeling unpleasant per se but it wasn’t what he was used to and the sudden change had shocked him. 

He pulled back and looked up at Jesse wide eyed.

Jesse immediately back tracked, "I'm sorry sugar, I wasn’t sure if you were ready or not. I should've asked instead of  assumin ' you were." 

Hanzo thought for a moment, he knew open mouthed kisses were a thing he had just been so lost in how happy he'd been with how things were between him and Jesse that he had forgotten that there was “more”.

Hanzo tried to reign in the shock and figure out what to say, "No, it is okay... it is not that I am not ready I was just surprised is all. We can try, if you would like, I just don’t know how good I will be at it,” he let out a nervous chuckle as he looked away from Jesse’s face, “I have not really done anything like this before." 

Jesse smiled at him and pressed a kiss to the smaller man’s crown, "It's not about what I want, it's about what you're comfortable with. I don't  wanna do  anythin ' you aren't okay with." 

Hanzo had barely heard Jesse, too caught up in his own brewing panic attack. He wasn’t sure if he was ready for “more” or not but he figured he might as well get it over with, seeing as how it was going to happen sooner or later. 

Looking up at the cowboy again, Hanzo plastered a confident look on his face and lied through his teeth.

"I am comfortable with it," he said with a hell of a lot more certainty than he felt.

Jesse stepped back and let Hanzo go, hand trailing down his arm to take Hanzo’s own and direct him away from their spot, "if you're sure, then how about we move this party into my room?" 

Hanzo tried to keep his confident demeanor as his anxiety rushed to a peak. He nodded and Jesse led him down the corridor towards the cowboy’s own quarters.

Hanzo was trying his best to stay calm even though his nerves were strung tighter than his bow string. Jesse's hold on his hand was a calming warmth and it was just enough to keep Hanzo from springing out of his skin. After a walk that felt entirely too short, the two men were standing outside Jesse’s room.

The cowboy let go of Hanzo's hand to open the door and motioned for Hanzo to enter before him. Once in the room Hanzo stood awkwardly in the middle of the floor, without Jesse’s warm hand to ground him Hanzo thought he might just fall into that brewing panic attack. 

This was his first time in Jesse's room and he was having a hard time remembering how to breathe. 

He watched Jesse as he took off his boots by the door and set his hat down on the desk. "Darlin', would you like to take off your shoes or anything?" Hanzo walked to the door and put his shoes next to Jesse's boots. Once he turned around Jesse was looking at him with concern all across his face. 

Jesse was really good at reading Hanzo's body language, he knew something was wrong. He reached out and rubbed up and down Hanzo's arms, "sugar, I don't  wanna do somethin’ you're uncomfortable with, I really don’t mind waitin’ if you're not ready." 

Hanzo shook his head, and tried to reaffix his confident demeanor that had slipped. Given the look Jesse was giving him he wasn’t sure he’d  succeeded , "just first-time jitters, I am fine," and he was trying to believe he was.

Jesse pulled Hanzo over to the bed and they both sat down. Jesse grabbed both of Hanzo's hands and held them in both of his own, "if you're sure you're ready, then I promise to go slow so you can get a feel for things," Hanzo nodded and Jesse tentatively leaned in. 

Jesse did start slow, with just closed mouth kisses which really helped calm Hanzo down, this was familiar territory. 

Much too soon for Hanzo’s tastes, Jesse tried to move them forward. The cowboy parted his lips and moved his tongue in much the same way he had in the hallway. Again, it wasn’t unpleasant, exactly. Nothing like when he had kissed those women so long ago, but Hanzo still wasn’t sure how he felt about it. 

He pushed on anyway. 

With a sigh Hanzo parted his lips as well and allowed Jesse's tongue to skate along his lower lip again, slightly deeper this time. Jeese kept them here for a while but then he was trying to push deeper again.

At this point Hanzo’s anxiety was moving up his back causing him to tense, thankfully Jesse only had ahold of his hands and so couldn’t feel it.

Jesse was moving them at a snail’s pace, just like he said he would, but still forward. Hanzo could feel the panic attack pulling at the corners of his mind, no matter how hard he tried to keep himself focused  and, in the  moment , his anxiety was slowly causing his body to tense further.

Before too long there was so much tense anxiety in his body that of course Jesse was able to feel it and the cowboy pulled back, " ya sure this’s okay? You're feel mighty tense, darlin’." 

Hanzo shook his head and looked down at their joined hands. He looked back into Jesse’s eyes and tried to reassure the other man, that was now looking at him with a very concerned look. Unfortunately, the panic and anxiety had finally caught up with him and he couldn’t get any words to come out. 

Looking away from those warm honey brown eyes, Hanzo could only force his body to shake his head as the panic attack tried to set in. A tremor shook across his shoulders and down his arms making him infinitely more tense. 

Jesse’s eyes widened for a moment but then his gaze softened in the dimly lit room, “oh my darlin’,” the cowboy cooed as he pulled Hanzo into his arms and wrapped him up in a hug. 

Hanzo wasn’t able to quell the gasp that escaped his lips as he clung to Jesse. Inhaling his boyfriend’s warm, familiar scent, the panic began to subside, just a bit, and he slowly began to come back to himself. 

The two men sat like this for quite a while, Jesse cooing and shushing Hanzo as the tenseness in his  shoulders slowly ebbed. 

Jesse pulled back and kissed Hanzo’s crown softly before looking him in the eyes, “are you feeling better, sweetheart?”

Hanzo closed his eyes so he didn’t have to look into the soft understanding depths of Jesse’s warm brown eyes but he nodded his head.

Pressing another kiss into Hanzo’s cheekbone Jesse stood and pulled Hanzo up with him, "would you like me to walk  ya to your room, honeysuckle?"

Eyes kept on the ground Hanzo shook his head, he was ashamed and Jesse was far too kind for a mess like him. 

Quickly he walked over to the door and grabbed his shoes but when he straightened back up Jesse was behind him. He gently wrapped his arms around Hanzo’s waist. The sob trapped in Hanzo’s chest almost escaped but the archer was much too good at concealing his emotions for such a slip.

He leaned back into the warm embrace; it was easier for him to talk if he didn’t have to look at those amazing honey brown eyes. With a voice thick with barely restrained emotion and shame Hanzo quietly spoke, “I’m sorry, I thought I was ready but...”

The archer trailed off as Jesse pressed a kiss to Hanzo’s shoulder and shushed him yet again, “none  a’that , I’m not bothered in the slightest, just please let me know next time. Don’t think you  gotta make yourself uncomfortable on account a me.”

Hanzo was back in his own head, barely listening to the cowboy, wishing he would release him before the damn burst and Hanzo had yet another reason to be ashamed. 

Jesses’s arms loosened and with a death grip on his shoes Hanzo turned to face Jesse. Without lifting his eyes from the floor, he bowed to Jesse before  hurriedly saying goodnight and slipping through the door into the hallway.

He quickly made his way to his own room and promptly dressed for bed. He tried not to think too hard about what had happened in Jesses' room. He also tried not to think about what this meant for his and Jesse's relationship. Hanzo laid down and tried to get some sleep.


	4. Chapter 4

Hanzo and Jesse slipped back into their regular routine immediately, much to Hanzo’s surprise. The archer had expected Jesse to be mad at him or disappointed or something, at least. The cowboy carried on as if nothing had changed between them and Hanzo was a bit baffled to say the least. 

However, if Jesse was happy to pretend nothing had changed then Hanzo was totally on board. 

One thing did change though, Jesse had started sneaking in little open-mouthed kisses here and there, infrequently enough to not spike Hanzo’s anxiety. 

Hanzo was getting better with them and after a week or so they didn’t even make him feel anxious anymore. They were just another thing he could do with Jesse that made him feel safe and warm. 

Jesse didn’t try and push very far though, nothing as intense as that night in his room. They were open-mouthed kisses, but barely.

Hanzo settled back into a secure feeling with Jesse, he was handling this new development just fine. In fact, he thought he’d been doing great. It had been weeks and Jesse seemed just as content as Hanzo was to continue on the way they had been. 

Until, apparently, he wasn’t.

They were alone in the kitchen one night and Jesse dared to deepen their kiss just a little bit more, nearing the intensity of that night. Hanzo tried to keep the tenseness out of his shoulders as he was reminded, yet again, that there was still “more” Jesse was going to want. He attempted to follow Jesse's lead and stay relaxed.

That happened several more times over another month or so and Hanzo had been getting used to it and though it wasn’t his favorite thing to do it no long made him physically tense up.

Jesse was seated in one of the chairs around the small table in the kitchen with Hanzo sat on his lap, it was late and the kitchen was lit only by the lights under the cupboards. The two had been lost in each other's lips for quite a bit before Lucio’s voice made its way into the kitchen. 

The musician was looking down at the box of cereal in his hand singing a song about getting himself a bowl of cereal as he turned the corner and walked into the room. 

Hanzo practically jumped out of Jesse’s lap at the sound of Lucio's voice, turning away from both men. Having heard the movement Lucio looked up and noticed there were other people already in the kitchen, "hey guys! I hope I’m not interrupting somethin'" 

Jesse put on an easy smile " naw , me an  Hanzo were just on our way to bed." Jesse grabbed  Hanzo's hand and pulled him out of the kitchen.

Lucio called out, "well, goodnight then guys" and went back to his cereal. 

Once they were down the hall a little way Jesse let out a chuckle, "maybe we shouldn’t be  doin ' that in the kitchen anymore," Hanzo smiled and agreed. "If you'd like though we can go somewhere more private and try again." 

Hanzo tried to keep any physical reaction to himself as he put on a happy, confident face. "That sounds like a good idea" he lied. 

Jesse led them back to his room as Hanzo knew he would. This time followed much along the same lines as the last time and Hanzo was more comfortable with the making out part at least. Things got slightly more uncomfortable when Hanzo felt Jesse’s hands begin to move at the hem of his shirt. Hanzo tried not to focus on it and moved his hands down Jesse's chest as he tried to follow what Jesse was doing. 

While focusing on the kissing and where Jesse's hands were Hanzo stopped paying attention to where his own hands were. They fell from Jesse's chest and into his boyfriend’s lap without Hanzo noticing. Once his hands dropped, he could feel something pressing up against the front of Jesse's jeans and he froze up, again.

His hands and lips stopped moving and his back went ramrod straight. Suddenly, it was all too much and Hanzo couldn’t handle the spike in his anxiety as he thought of doing even more than making out. Hanzo knew what happened when men got erections, sex or something sexual soon followed.

Hanzo had too many emotions rushing into his system too quickly and he could feel the panic attack already fogging his mind.

Jesse pulled back just as Hanzo sprung up off the bed and put quite a bit of distance between himself and the other man. Jesse made to move towards him but Hanzo quickly stopped him with his hands out in front of him and a sharp, panicked, "Don't!" 

Jesse froze and Hanzo took a shaky breath "I was happy. I really was. I wanted to pretend I could handle it and give you everything you needed, but I cannot do this. I did not want to end our happiness with my problems, my insecurities, but I just cannot handle anymore. I cannot give you all you deserve out of a happy relationship and I do not want you to have to settle for what I am capable of giving. Please just let me go pretend I was never weak enough to let this happen in the first place." 

Hanzo turned and bolted from Jesse’s room and to his own quarters as quickly as possible. He could hear Jesse calling to him but he didn’t slow until his door was sealed and locked behind him. He tried to keep in the tears, he really did, but as the realization of what he had just lost settled over him a sob racked his body.

He could hear his father’s voice in his ears, ringing clear as the day he had been lectured on how much of a failure he was as the heir to the Shimada Clan. He slid down the door until he was on the floor and let the tears flow and the sobs rip through him. 

There was a pounding behind his head, Jesse was calling to him, begging him to open the door and talk to him but Hanzo was too far gone. The noise barely even registered, as if he was hearing it from the other side of the base, not the other side of the door. The pounding had no hope of penetrating the anxious, shamed, panic  riddled fog that he was wrapped in.

His Dragons curled around him, making themselves large enough that they could fully engulf Hanzo and the shattered man wrapped his arms around his most trusted friends and sobbed into the soft fur around their necks as the pounding faded.

The next day Hanzo didn’t come out of his room. At some point he had moved himself from the floor to the bed and that was where he stayed for the entire day. 

He was vaguely aware of pounding on his door and could hear what sounded like Jesse's voice on the other side but the hate filled fog was still much too thick. 

His boyfriend wanted to know what was going on. 

He wanted to know what Hanzo was talking about last night. 

He wanted to know why Hanzo had run and shut him out.

After a while the pounding stopped. A couple hours later the pounding started up again although this time it sounded like  Genji on the other side of the door. 

His brother wanted to know what was wrong. 

He wanted to know what happened between him and Jesse. 

He wanted to know if Hanzo was alright. 

All  Hanzo wanted was to disappear into dust. 

The next day started out much the same way with  Hanzo hiding himself away and Jesse,  Genji , or Jesse and  Genji pounding on his door.

Hanzo didn’t know what time it was but it had to be  pretty  late in the  day when his door opened . 

Dr. Ziegler and  Genji stood on the other side.  Genji turned to the doctor " I know you don’t like using the master code but  thank you, Angie"  then the door closed and it was just  Genji ,  Hanzo and his Dragons.  Genji sat on the edge of  Hanzo's bed and was silent for a while. 

After some amount of time Genji started to speak, his voice sounded sad "I asked Jesse what happened. He told me that you two were in his room making out when you suddenly sprung away from him and told him 'you couldn’t do this' and ' you did not want him to have to settle for what you are capable of giving'. He told me he had no idea why you reacted that way." 

Genji was quiet for longer th is time before he spoke up again. "Brother, did you not tell him about your asexuality?"  Hanzo just lied there while  Genji waited for an answer. 

Hanzo's voice was rough from crying and lack of use when he spoke, "I could not." 

The room was silent again and stayed that way until Genji asked, "what do you mean you could not? I told you to be open with Jesse, that he would accept you."

"No, you said he would not reject me. Which was true, Jesse probably would not reject me even if he knew about my asexuality but would it be because he wanted to or because he felt obligated to?" 

Genji started to speak "Brother, that makes no...," but was cut off. 

Hanzo sat up in his bed, "it makes no sense? Of course, it makes sense. Jesse had already told me he liked me so if I told him I was asexual he could not recant his previous statements after this new information was brought to light."

"That's not what I...," Genji was cut off again.

"And he just looked so dejected when I saw him in the kitchen that night. So sorrowful, over me of all people! And I was so miserable without him. I was weak. I let emotion cloud my judgement and admitted my feelings. But all that did was delay the inevitable." Genji stayed quiet this time so as not to get interrupted again. 

"It was selfish of me. I knew Jesse could never really be happy with me. So now I need to let him work through this loss and get over me so that he can be happy with someone else." Hanzo flopped back onto the bed and Genji waited another moment to make sure Hanzo was done. 

"What about your happiness, brother? Why are you so insistent that you must be miserable in order for others to be happy? The agents here on this base are not the same as our father or the other clan members. They are accepting of everyone no matter how they come. All you need to do is tell Jesse and I know he will accept you exactly as you are now." 

Hanzo didn’t move, "you cannot know what Jesse will do." 

Genji shook his head, "I cannot know exactly what he will do but I spoke with him yesterday. I wanted to help him understand without telling him everything. So, I told him you had some trauma from Hanamura and sexual acts didn’t come easy to you."

Hanzo tensed up, he wasn’t mad at Genji but, that was exactly what he didn’t want Jesse to know about. Hanzo waited anxiously for what Genji would say next. "Brother, he said that sex didn't matter as long as he could be with you and see you happy. Jesse doesn’t want to be with you because of sex, he wants to be with you because of you." 

Hanzo let out a shaky breath he’d been holding as Genji continued, "you're in here hurting yourself over this but you're also hurting him. Jesse has no idea what's going on or what he did wrong. He just wants to see you happy, just as much as you want to see him happy but you don’t seem to understand that you make him happy. You, just as you are." The two brothers sat in silence as Genji's words soaked into Hanzo's tired, anxious mind.

Hanzo sat up in his bed and looked at Genji, warily, "he said he wanted to be with me even if I couldn’t give him a real relationship?" 

Genji shook his head "No,  aniki you have to understand; you and Jesse can still have a real relationship even if you never have sex. Sex isn't essential to a relationship and you need to try and purge the horrible things father said to you from your head. What you are able to give Jesse isn't less, it's just a different kind of relationship. A relationship based on love and trust, that doesn’t include sex, is still a real relationship." 

Genji was watching Hanzo now as he tried to fit this new information in with the old. Hanzo had been told for years that a relationship without sex was a waste of time but what Genji was saying now was the complete opposite. 

If  Hanzo thought about it,  Genji was right. 

He and Jesse had been happy even without sex for months and Jesse had wanted to know if Hanzo was comfortable with what was happening the entire time they were together. Now that Hanzo actually stopped and thought back over the last couple months Jesse had never purposely done anything to make Hanzo uncomfortable. He had been willing to go at Hanzo’s pace from the beginning. 

Even that first night in Jesse's room, he put the brakes on everything as soon as he realized Hanzo was uncomfortable and panicked. Hanzo had been blinded to all of this because he was too busy obsessing over what he couldn’t offer Jesse instead of what he could offer. 

He might not be able to give him sex but he could still be there for him. He could love him and support him.  B e there to cheer him up and comfort him. He  would always cherish him and make sure he felt needed and wanted . I f that was enough for Jesse then he wasn't going to doubt himself any longer. 

Hanzo got up from the bed and Genji stood too. Hanzo plonked his head on Genji's shoulder and Genji wrapped his arms around him. They stood like that for a minute until Hanzo said, "thank you, brother, I think I need to go talk to Jesse." 

Genji let him go, "I think that would be a wise idea. He is waiting in his room." Hanzo nodded and both men exited the room. 

Genji turned to him, "I will be around if you need me for anything." Hanzo nodded again and Genji moved off as Hanzo turned towards Jesse's room.


	5. Chapter 5

Hanzo stood in front of Jesse's door for a minute before knocking lightly. Jesse opened it almost immediately and when he saw Hanzo he reached out to grab him before stopping himself and standing there waiting to see what Hanzo was going to do. Hanzo looked up at the cowboy "may I come in?" Jesse stepped aside and Hanzo walked into the room.

Both men were silent for a moment after the door closed. Hanzo began in a quiet voice, "I am sorry for the pain I have been putting you through." He turned to face Jesse, raising amber eyes to meet honey ones, "My past had led me to believe things that were not exactly true and I was allowing that to cloud my mind instead of seeing what was right in front of me. You have been so good to me and I have been dishonest with you," he glanced away, the hurt in those warm eyes was almost too much to bear.

Hanzo took a deep breath and continued, "I was not unable to admit my feelings for you because this is my first relationship, though it is. I was unable to tell you because I was  afraid I would not be able to give you everything you would want in a relationship," Jesse just watched him as he waited for Hanzo to say everything he needed to.

Hanzo looked up into Jesse's warm eyes once more, "Jesse, I... I am asexual." 

Jesse, apparently, couldn’t hold back any longer because he sprung forward and wrapped Hanzo in a hug, lifting the smaller man off the floor and burying his face in his shoulder, "oh, darlin' that don’t matter to me none.” Jesse set him back down and spoke next to his ear, “I love you for you and I'm happy with any and  everythin ' you  wanna give me. I  wanna be with you so bad I don’t even care if you tell me I can only hold your hand for the rest of my life, I would live the rest of my days a happy man just to be in your company." 

Hanzo had his face pressed into Jesse's neck and the tension he’d been holding in his body since he left his room dissipated with Jesse's words. He was so relieved his legs might've given out but Jesse was there to hold him up anyway. Jesse pulled back and looked into Hanzo's eyes

"Sweetheart, I don’t want you to think you ever own me  anythin '. I don’t know what lies your father filled your head with back at Hanamura but I will never expect you to do  somethin ' you don’t wanna. I am in this for you, not what you can do for me and I never **** ever want to do  somethin ' that makes you uncomfortable. I will always check with you before we do  anythin ', just as I have been, but I want you to be honest with me from now on. Please, Hanzo, don't lie to me because you think it is what I want because I don't want  anythin ' you are not ready to give."

Hanzo felt the tears welling up in his eyes and he pressed his face back to Jesse's neck, "thank you so much Jesse, you will never know what those words mean to me. I am so relieved that you do not hate me." Hanzo's delivery was a bit muffled, seeing as how he had spoken all the words into Jesse's neck, but he knew his boyfriend had heard him. 

Jesse leaned his cheek down on Hanzo's head, "sweetheart, I could never find it in myself to hate you even if you decided you didn’t want to be around me another second and left me alone in this room." 

Hanzo choked out a laugh, "as if I could ever leave your side." 

They stood together like that for a long time until Hanzo pulled back, "I am truly sorry for the pain I put you through because of my skewed outlook on relationships and I hope you can forgive me. I promise to be truthful with you about everything from now on." 

Jesse smiled, "of course I forgive you and I do hope you are truthful with me because  makin ' you uncomfortable is  somethin ' I never  wanna do.  Speakin ' of, is it alright if I kiss you?"

Hanzo pressed up and placed a kiss to Jesse's lips, "yes, your kisses are one of my favorite things, but can we, maybe, not do... deeper kisses for right now?" Jesse pressed a kiss to Hanzo's lips before putting one on each cheek and his forehead. 

Hanzo laughed and Jesse was chuckling when he spoke, "darlin' if that's what you want then that's what I'll give. I will allow you to take the lead from here on out and I will only do what you are comfortable with for however long you need." 

Hanzo beamed at him and the crushing weight that had been in his chest since that first night in Jesse's room lifted. A happy and light feeling replaced it and Hanzo felt okay again.

Jesse held Hanzo tight, the two men stood like that for a few minutes before Jesse spoke up with a soft voice, "after that night in the kitchen when you and I started datin' Genji talked to me about you. He told me that you were  gonna be in an arranged marriage back Hanamura and that you didn’t really date because you saw no point. 

"He told me to be careful and to progress the relationship slowly because you might agree to stuff you were not comfortable with because you thought you had to. After that first night in my room when you dismissed your anxiety as first-time jitters but you seemed to get more tense as we continued, I knew what Genji had told me was true. That’s why I backed off and tried to give you time to acclimate to what was happenin'. 

"I only want you to be comfortable. If that means  stoppin ' any sort of progression entirely, hell, even if it means we go back to goodnight kisses and nothing more  then I would do that for you for however long you want. I only want you in this relationship, everything else is just icing on the cake." 

Hanzo had been surprised at Genji's lack of input the whole time he had been with Jesse so he wasn’t surprised Genji had said something and that would explain why Jesse was taking this so slowly. Hanzo was glad Genji had been trying to protect him from himself.

After another few minutes of comfortable silence Jesse spoke again, "are you ready to face the world yet?" 

Hanzo smiled up at him, "with you by my side I am ready to face anything." 

Jesse pressed another kiss to his boyfriend’s forehead, "but first I want to be 100% honest with you." 

Jesse looked a little confused but allowed Hanzo to continue, "if you want to know, I will tell you what happened all of those years ago in Hanamura." 

Jesse looked concerned, "I know what I just said about always  bein ' truthful with me an all but I don’t want you to feel like you have to bring up painful memories just for me. You don't owe me an explanation." 

Hanzo just smiled at him before moving away to sit on the edge of Jesse's bed, "I am sure I want to share this, so you know why I acted the way I did. It is not an excuse for my actions but it will help you see the whole picture." Jesse sat next to him taking Hanzo's hands into his own and placing a kiss on his knuckles as Hanzo started his story.

He told Jesse everything from the dates he had gone on, to the women he took home, about what happened at the strip club, and his father finding out and punishing him. As he continued, he could see Jesse's face getting sadder but he could see  the anger hidden underneath. Once he had told Jesse everything they sat in silence, Hanzo staring at their joined hands. 

"That's everything. That's why I thought we could never really be together. I know , now , it is not true but I did not realize before. "

Jesse dropped Hanzo's hands and before Hanzo could look up Jesse had his arms around him again, "I'm so sorry that you were forced to endure that kind of hate for so long. If it were up to  me, I would track down your father and all those men who forced you in that strip club, show them exactly what Peacekeeper was capable of.” 

Hanzo reached up to return the embrace and let out a chuckle, “it’s always good to know you would be willing to kill for me,” Jesse snuggled his face into the crook of Hanzo's neck. 

Hanzo could feel Jesse's beard rub against his jaw line as he rumbled into his neck, “darlin' I’d do anything for you.” 

Hanzo turned his head and kissed Jesse's cheek as emotions welled up behind his eyes.

Blinking back the liquid emotions Hanzo let out a happy sigh. 

He was so comfortable here in Jesse's arms that he accidentally voiced what he had been thinking. 

“I love you,” he whispered.

Much like that night in the kitchen, so long ago, the words had slipped out before Hanzo even realized what he was saying. He froze up again, he wasn't sure if that was okay to say yet. 

Jesse let out a content hum, “I love you too, darlin’.” 

Hanzo relaxed back into Jesse’s embrace, the two men stayed like that, wrapped up in each other and perfectly content, for quite a while. 

By the time they pulled away from each other the sun had set. Jesse stretched and stood, holding out a hand to pull Hanzo up from the bed, "if you've been locked up in your room since the night  fore last you  gotta be  starvin ' darlin', do you  wanna go grab  somethin ' to eat?" 

Hanzo nodded his head and the two headed out, hand in hand. 

They made their way down to the kitchen. Jesse set to work making food for them as Hanzo got some tea. All at once Hanzo realized how long it had been since his last cup and a pang rose up in his chest. 

Jesse talked as he cooked and Hanzo stood next to him sipping his tea and watching Jesse. 

It didn’t take long for Jesse to finish up and once he was done, he and Hanzo took their food into the common room to watch some tv while they ate. 

Soon after all their food was gone but the two men stayed snuggled up on the couch for a while longer. 

Jesse had his head resting on the arm of the couch and his legs up on the cushions and Hanzo was laying on his chest between his legs. 

Hanzo started dozing off, full and comfortable. 

After a bit Jesse gently shook him awake, "honeysuckle, it's late we should be headin’ to bed." Hanzo made a noise and buried his face into Jesse's chest.

When Jesse chuckled  Hanzo could feel it rumble through his chest. Jesse wrapped his arms a little tighter over his back, rubbing soft circles there. Jesse didn’t move and so  Hanzo dozed off again. 

Again, Jesse was rousing Hanzo, "sweetheart, we really  gotta get to bed, if we sleep in this position, we’ll really regret it in the mornin'." 

Hanzo turned his head and looked up Jesse's chest at him. With a huff Hanzo made to move off his very comfortable boyfriend, "I suppose you are right." 

After Hanzo was up and Jesse had moved into a sitting position Jesse spoke, "you know, since we are  datin ', we could sleep in the same bed, if you'd like." 

Hanzo had been cleaning up their dishes, he set the plates back down and regarded Jesse, "are you sure that would be okay?" 

Jesse pushed himself off the couch and wrapped his arms around Hanzo, "darlin', nothin’ would make me happier than to wake up next to your beautiful face." 

Hanzo smiled into Jesse's chest, "if that is the case then I think I would really like that." 

Jesse released him and Hanzo grabbed their dishes, moving them into the kitchen. Jesse flipped off the tv and followed him. He waited as Hanzo washed their dishes, once he was finished Jesse grabbed his hand and they made their way down the hall. 

When they got to their goodnight spot Jesse slowed, "so, sugar, who's room we takin'?" 

Hanzo looked up to him, "would it be alright if we went to your room?”

Pressing warm lips for the shorter man’s crown Jesse rumbled out, “of course, honeysuckle”

Hanzo broke into a smile, he always loved getting such affection from his boyfriend, “I need to grab some things out of my room so you can head down and I will be there in a moment." Jesse tipped his hat and with one more kiss he turned towards his room.

Hanzo slid his door closed behind him, smile still shining. He moved his eyes across his room but didn’t see his precious dragons. The archer moved to the bathroom where he scanned, again, for his dragons before brushing his teeth.

Moving back into the main part of his room he grabbed clothes to change into to sleep and clothes to change into in the morning before using the call his dragons were all too familiar with to rouse his beasties. Within seconds two blue dragons were  sitting on the end of his bed looking at him expectantly.

He  pat both on the head, smiling as they pushed their heads into his hand, “I will be sleeping in Jesse’s room tonight, I do not want you two to worry.” With a final pat to each beastie Hanzo turned and made his way out of the room.

Once he got to Jesse’s door he lightly knocked and Jesse answered after just a second with a toothbrush in hand, "come on in hun, I'll be ready here in just a sec." 

Once Jesse was done in the bathroom  Hanzo went in to get changed. When he came back out Jesse was only wearing a pair of sleep pants as he pulled the blankets down the bed. 

The cowboy seemed to remember something as he looked at Hanzo, "oh, uh, I usually sleep like this,” motioning to his shirtless form, “is that okay?" 

Nodding, Hanzo made his way to stand next to the bed as well, "alrighty then, if you're all set, we can get to sleep darlin'," Hanzo wrapped his arms around his boyfriend and Jesse returned the embrace with a kiss to the top of Hanzo's head. 

They let each other go and Jesse motioned towards the bed. Hanzo took the hint and crawled up with Jesse following right behind. After a bit of wiggling and shifting the two men found a comfortable position with Hanzo's head resting on Jesse's chest and his arm wrapped tight around the archer. 

Jesse pressed one last kiss to Hanzo's lips. He whispered, "good night darlin', I love you," before turning off the bedside light. 

As dark overcame them a smile spread across Hanzo's face, "I love you too, Jesse." He snuggled down into the broad, furry chest beneath him, content and comfortable. 

Jesse fell asleep before the archer. Listening to the soft even sound of Jesse's breathing, accompanied with the feel of his chest rising and falling under him, Hanzo was lulled to sleep in no time.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it took so long to finish this out! I am very easily distracted ಥ_ಥ

Hanzo woke to Jesse calling his name. Hanzo groggily opened his eyes and looked at Jesse who had a blue dragon curled up on his head, sleeping on his pillow. Hanzo shifted and looked down the bed to find another blue dragon curled up in the space between the two men. 

"So, sugar, um, this is new for me. What exactly is happenin’ here?" 

Hanzo smiled, waking up with his dragons curled up around him was something Hanzo had been doing most of his life but Jesse had never met Udon and Soba before, well not formally. Most of the other agents on base didn’t even realize the two dragons that sometimes aided him in battle had physical forms. 

If he thought about it the only ones who knew were probably his brother and Dr. Ziegler as the doctor had obviously met Genji’s Dragon, Ramen and on the few occasions Hanzo ended up spending the night in the medbay, Udon and Soba had sought him out to comfort him. 

Hanzo motioned towards the dragon between them, "Jesse, this is Soba," then he pointed at the dragon around Jesse's head, "and that is Udon." 

Jesse still looked a little lost, "now, and I don’t mean to be rude but, what exactly are Udon and Soba?" 

His dragon's names sounded adorable said in Jesse's drawl and Hanzo laughed, "they are my dragons, Jesse." 

Jesse shook his head a tiny bit, "okay, so, let me see if I've got this right, you mean, the mighty, fearsome, beasts that emerge from your arrow and rip through the battlefield are the same creatures curled up in my bed?" 

Hanzo nodded, smile bright, "yes." 

Jesse still looked a little unsure, "but they look nothing like the dragons I've seen in the field." 

Hanzo couldn’t stop smiling, this was amusing to watch and just a little bit adorable, "they are million-year-old spirits, Jesse, the ability to change size and appearance comes naturally to them. They prefer to keep this smaller, softer appearance while on base so as to not scare people unnecessarily. It also helps them sneak through the vents without being noticed." 

Jesse glanced up at Udon, "uh huh," he moved his head a bit to properly look up at Udon. 

The motion disturbed the dragon, who stretched and settled back around Jesse's head. Jesse turned his warm eyes to Hanzo, "so can I, uh, touch them?" 

Hanzo was still smiling and simply nodded his head. 

A hirsute arm reached out from under the covers and gently ran a finger over Soba's head. Soba pushed their head against Jesse's finger before snuggling back down. The look on Jesse's face was one of amazement. 

Jesse ran his finger over Soba's head a few more times and the dragon started making a happy noise very similar to a purr. While Jesse pet Soba, Hanzo reached his hand up to pet Udon. 

The two men moving around had started to rouse the dragons and they were becoming more awake by the minute. 

Udon had crawled down and was sitting on Jesse's chest staring at him and Soba was rubbing up against Hanzo's hands and chin. 

After a couple seconds of Udon's staring, Jesse looked to be getting a little anxious, "honeysuckle, why is Udon staring at me like that?" 

Hanzo reached out a hand to run down the length of Udon's body, "I am going to be honest with you, they are most likely judging you." 

Jesse let out a nervous chuckle, "should I be concerned, sugar?" 

Hanzo's petting did not dissuade the dragon who continued to stare, "probably not? I do not usually get close with people who are not Genji so Udon is probably just trying to see if you are a threat.” 

Udon had apparently passed their judgement on Jesse and decided he was okay because they crawled over to Hanzo to get attention. 

Jesse let out a breath and turned to Hanzo, "so, is this going to be a regular thing if I continue to sleep with you?" 

Hanzo looked away from the dragons laying on his chest and looked to Jesse, "most likely," Hanzo's gaze returned to the dragons before he trained his eyes on Jesse once more, "is that going to be a problem?" 

Hanzo had never been bothered by the small creatures sleeping in his bed but he realized now, Jesse might have a different opinion. The cowboy chuckled and reached a hand over to stroke Udon's head. 

"Absolutely not sweetheart, in fact, I think the little guys are adorable." Udon had left Hanzo to lay with Jesse and the small dragon curled up on Jesse's chest while Jesse continued to pet them. 

They laid there a while longer playing with the dragons. Letting them get used to Jesse before they moved to get up. The dragons crawled onto the bed behind them and curled up together. 

"They will probably leave after I leave and head back to my room." 

Jesse pet their heads again, "I don’t mind, sugar, they ain't botherin' me none." 

The two men got up and got dressed before heading out to get breakfast, hand in hand. 

It was later than usual when they got to the kitchen since they had spent a good part of the morning with Udon and Soba, so they weren't the only ones there this morning. Several other agents were moving around getting coffee or their choice of breakfast. Hanzo made his way through the kitchen to get his cup of tea. While he was waiting for the water, he noticed someone was standing next to him at the counter. 

He turned and found himself looking into the dark eyes of his brother, "when you are done with your tea, I'd like to talk with you." Hanzo nodded and Genji moved off to stand near Dr. Ziegler. 

Hanzo found himself feeling a tiny bit anxious to talk with his brother. Genji had been right about the whole thing with Jesse. Hanzo was slightly ashamed he hadn't taken his brothers advice from the beginning. Genji was not one to say I told you so about something like this but Hanzo still knew he had been in the wrong. 

He finished making his tea, told Jesse he was going to talk with Genji, and found his brother. The two men left the room and after they were a safe distance from the other agents Genji spoke up. "So, it would seem that you and Jesse talked it out." 

Hanzo was looking into his tea, "yes, I told him I was asexual and Jesse agreed to move at my pace and to not pressure me to do anything I am not comfortable with." 

Genji was quiet for a moment as they turned into a smaller, lesser used common room and settled onto one of the couches, "I figured Jesse would not be one to pressure you but I'm glad you were finally able to talk with him." 

Hanzo nodded his head, "I am sorry, brother, for not taking your advice right from the beginning. I allowed my past to cloud my judgement and prevent me from seeing the wonderful thing I had right in front of me." 

Genji shook his head a bit, "it isn't all your fault either you were forced to endure Hanamura and then you didn’t have anyone you trusted enough to talk through what had happened. It's understandable that your perception of relationships was skewed. I'm just glad it was able to work out for you in the end I only wish it hadn't taken you going through so much pain to get here." 

Both brothers were quiet for a moment and Hanzo sipped his tea as he thought about what to say next. 

"I appreciate what you did for me when Jesse and I first started dating. Jesse told me about what you told him about progressing things slowly. I am glad that I have a friend who cares enough to try and save me from myself." 

Genji set a hand on Hanzo's shoulder "of course aniki, I only wanted you to be happy and I knew you could have happiness under the right circumstances." 

Hanzo nodded, "Jesse makes me happy and it is such a relief that he accepts me as I am." 

Hanzo pauses a moment "we slept together last night, at least in the sense that we slept in the same bed," the older Shimada smirked into his mug at his brothers, surprised turned fond expression. 

"When we woke up Udon was curled around his head and Soba was sleeping between us." 

Genji laughed, "that must've been an interesting thing to wake up to." 

Hanzo grined, "Jesse was incredibly confused at first, he did not realize what they were or that they are the same dragons that aide me in the field." 

Genji laughed again, "after a moment, though, he started to pet them which woke them up and then Udon sat on his chest for at least 2 minutes and just stared at him. Jesse got anxious and asked if he should be concerned but after Udon moved away Jesse got along great with them." 

Genji's laughing quieted, "I can see why he’d be confused, we’ve been friends for a while but there was never really a chance for him to meet Ramen, though I'm thinking that might change soon. Jesse is a curious creature and if he realizes that my spirt dragon should also have a physical form, he’ll start pestering me to meet them,” both men laughed. 

As the brothers quieted, Genji spoke again, “I am so happy for you aniki, I wish you the best from here on out and hopefully you’ve learned you need to be honest with Jesse." 

Hanzo looked away, "I have, I will not make the same mistakes again." 

Genji nodded and stood, Hanzo followed him out of the room and the brothers chattered as they made their way back to the kitchen. 

~~~ 

Over the next few weeks Hanzo and Jesse's relationship continued and Hanzo was happy. They hadn't gotten anywhere near sex again but Jesse seemed just as happy as Hanzo was. 

On the one occasion Hanzo brought up how patient Jesse was being he dismissed the thought, "I just want to be with you and nothin' else. I will wait for you till the ends of the earth if I have to. Don't worry bout me, I'm happy just bein’ with you." 

The warm feeling that bloomed through Hanzo’s chest at the statement was something the archer was unaccustomed to but it was definitely something he could get used to. 

Hanzo was immensely grateful for the way Jesse had handled the whole situation because he could've made this 100 times worse for Hanzo, instead, he was nothing but supportive of him from the beginning. He was grateful for Genji too because without his help Hanzo probably would've never gotten to where he was now. 

Hanzo had pretty much moved into Jesse's room at this point and they had slept in the same bed every night since their first. Udon and Soba also seemed to have moved into Jesse's room because they had been found hanging out there on several occasions when Hanzo had only seen them in his room prior. 

Jesse didn’t seem to mind all the new residents in his room and Hanzo had found him playing with the dragons on many occasions. Jesse and Hanzo were happy together and Hanzo had heard their relationship be described as 'the sweetest thing' by several of the other agents including his own brother. 

Hanzo rarely thought about what the beginning of their relationship was like and instead focused on how wonderful everything was now. He thought himself foolish to have believed he could never be in a happy relationship and was glad he had learned better since then. Hanzo now looked forward to many days spent in Jesse's calming presence and warm embrace. 

Hanzo was the happiest he had been in a long time, maybe ever, and he wouldn’t change a thing. 


End file.
